One of the biggest learnings I have had in this lifetime is to stay in my heart (higher consciousness) when I am being judged or criticised by another. Does anyone else have this same challenge? It is not always easy, no matter how many tools you may have at your disposal.
Yet, even as I call this a challenge I can hear my good friend Gale tell me that it is really an opportunity. How did she ever get to be so wise?
I know this is my karma to resolve because I have had this pattern repeat in my life again and again, so this tells me it is a pretty important lesson for my soul to master. Of course, I am still trying to master it but I feel I am one step ahead after all these years because at least now I know what the lesson is. So I acknowledge what is going on when it is going on, even if I haven't quite got the hang of fully embracing it.
But the thing for me is that when I feel judged by someone else, and usually it is someone close to me, it hurts! And when it hurts I go into my little girl self and feel sad and less confident about who I am. I am filled with self doubt. What if they are right? What if I am this awful person they are telling me I am, or this inept person that can't get it right, or this hurtful nasty person they think I am in this moment? My sensitive little girl gets quite emotional about this and feels the pain.
You know, interestingly enough, I have discovered that most of my beautiful teachers around this karmic lesson have been Sagitarrians (sun sign). It seems this is not so strange as I have been told by an astrologer because my Venus is in the sign of Sagitarrius.
One of my biggest teachers around this karmic lesson was my beautiful Mum, yes a Sag. Now passed over, she was a woman who was way ahead of her times, very independent, a business woman, and she got on with life her way. She was a great friend and supporter of many people and very generous with her time and energy, yet with me she was often very critical and competitive. Of course, all I ever wanted to do was please her and get her approval.
Then of course there was my best friend in school (also a Sag) who also has a knack of putting me down in a funny sort of way, but we were thick as thieves at school and got up to all sorts of trouble. She was the ideas person and I was the one that made it happen. We made a good team.
Then of course there was the significant other, my ex (also a Sag) and we spent 25 years playing this game where there was not a lot I did right in his eyes and I spent a lot of time trying to please him and make him love me.
And just when I thought I had got the hang of this lesson, along comes another Sag who I have also been trying to please and make happy for some time, to little avail. And so the lesson continues.
Yet deep down I know these beautiful Sag's love me and were even proud of me, particularly my Mum. But they just couldn't love me the way I wanted them to. Every single one of them were unable to show their emotions and their love in the way I wanted them to. This was all my little girl wanted from them and she was not happy when her expectations of what she wanted were not met. This created many reactions to these experiences that sat in my energy field and did not serve my highest potential. In fact, what I chose to create from this limited me in life to be all that I am.
But I have learnt several things on this journey, which have helped me immensely:
1. Just because people can't express their love the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you
2. When people can't love you the way you want it is not about you - there is nothing wrong with you. It is their story, not yours. Let go your need for this and have compassion for their story too.
3. When you learn to love you - all the parts of you including the parts you judge - then you will stop asking other people to love these parts for you
4. When you choose to honour and accept yourself you no longer need other people to confirm who you are
5. Never be fearful of looking at what you think is the dark side of you - it is a lot less scarier than you think.
6. Open your heart to all of you - acknowledge all the parts of you, accept them and embrace yourself. When you start honouring yourself then you give others permission to do the same.
Blessings in love